On the morning of 8 January 1990, I was sitting
in a lounge area on the third floor of State Hall on the campus of Wayne
State University. That date was the first anniversary of the day I gave
up smoking, and I was reflecting on that subject which is probably why events
progressed as they did. I looked out the window and saw an advertising placard
on the side of a bus. It said, "God Smokes." I looked again. Now
it said "Good Smokes, but the thought had taken seed and Autobiography
of God was born.
Autobiography of God
God Smokes
God smokes Camels.
Well, not anymore
(He quit when the Surgeon-
General warned that they are
dangerous to your health)
God smoked Camels.
They made him feel
like a real He-God.
(not that He felt inadequate
as a god)
God smoked Camels
and blew rings of
Holy Smoke.
(these became known
as "haloes")
God smoked Camels.
He had a cough of
Olympian proportion.
(it was frequently mistaken
for thunder here on Earth)
God smoked Camels.
(He never had to walk the mile)
The Further Adventures of God
God brushed with Crest
and wore Calvin Klein jeans.
(He wanted to blend in
and be one of the crowd)
God tried to be "one of the folks,"
but He was still in the Pepsi generation
when everyone else was in the Me generation.
(He felt that He had
already done that as much as
He cared to.)
God learned computer programming
in His spare time
at home.
(He got the idea from
a matchbook)
God got a haircut
and shaved off his beard.
(it made Him look
ten years younger)
God got a job as a dishwasher
at Johnnie's.
(but He always ate lunch at the
place next door)
God Falls in Love
God fell in love
with a woman named Alma.
(No, her last name was NOT Mater)
God wanted to impress her
so He created life.
(she contemplated an abortion)
God roared and shouted
and struck her with
lightning.
(if He had been a Love God
He might have handled it better)
God Goes to School
God got a special scholarship
for Angry Gods with
a GPA of 3.5
or better.
(He majored in Cosmos Management)
God took CHE 777
(Creating Life. He got a B+)
God took ANT 963
(Origin of Man. He didn't understand
the material very well.
He got a C)
God Goes to War
God dropped out and joined the
army.
(when He was young He had been
a God of War. He figured
He would do well)
God got shot in Somalia
by a frightened civilian
who obviously mistook Him
for someone who gives a damn
(the bullet lodged in His brain)
God became a vegetable
in a war against starvation.